It’s an odd feeling to keep moving. I know I have to, but it’s not exactly what I want. But I keep at it. Is that a sign of strength? Okay. Today it’s the only direction I’m allowed.
Work has been so crazy this week. Tuesday (Halloween), I was still dealing with the same crises from Monday because the on call worker now needed someone to take over. I could not do it. At the time it felt like weakness, but today I see it as a positive limit that I needed in my life. I sat with this client all day on Monday. It was not my intent to have Monday be so crazy. I had planned to take scheduled breaks and go slow since it was my first day back to work again. Instead I walked into a crisis the moment I got in the door. I dealt with that the entire day. I was okay, but it was everything I had. I went home after a ten hour day and was so drained. That was the night that was most definitely the hardest.
The miserable feeling then continued the next morning when I was asked to take over. I could not do it. So I said no. I needed that. I’m so glad I said no. It took me awhile to come out of my miserable feelings that day. I saw my client with the newborn. It wasn’t as bad at the first time. I had another client and a meeting before I started feeling a little better. I had been feeling such a lack of confidence going through my day and worry that I just wasn’t as good at my job. The expectations are always high and in some sense I knew I was falling short. My coworker asked me at the beginning of the day if I even wanted to see that first client. I cried. I just felt like I had to continue with my life. I didn’t know how else to do it. I knew I needed to keep going but I just didn’t know what that looked like anymore. I don’t know what it means to be normal anymore.
I kept going and was able to get to that place of a bit more confidence as the day went on before I went home to Halloween festivities.
On Wednesday morning, I was able to get caught up on all my notes before heading to work. It felt like a great day. I felt super confident with all of my clients. I had a packed schedule, and I didn’t care. I would get to it all. I was up early so I was tired by the afternoon, but I made it through my long day and felt great about it. But I was definitely ready for bed as soon as I ate dinner.
I almost made it through the day. My friend texted me to warn me about how she would be announcing her pregnancy on Facebook and planned to tell me the sex on Saturday. I didn’t anticipate crying just to hear that, but it was very hard. I wanted so badly to be happy for her, but it just hurt. I should have been right there with her finding out the sex of my child soon. Instead I’m here without my baby, not pregnant, and over a month out before that possibility even remotely exists anymore.
I encountered another crisis on Thursday. I was at home attempting to figure out my EAP, mental health benefits, insurance, in network providers, and offices. They don’t make it easy. I was on the phone with a lot of different people and didn’t get anywhere. I thought about not sharing that here, but I don’t care anymore. It’s not a sign of weakness that I’m going to see a counselor. It’s something we need to make more acceptable (and easier my goodness!) in our society. I didn’t get anywhere that day and instead of being a counseling office that was calling me back, it was a school principal. So instead I went to pick up a client and spent the rest of my morning with him instead of catching up on my Wednesday notes.
Friday didn’t go exactly as planned, but I was able to make some progress and finally got scheduled with a counselor. It was so difficult to make that first call, and when it got hard I thought I might give up. The other office never called me back. In the end, I was able to schedule with someone that I found that specializes in miscarriage support. I’m glad about that, and I hope it’s a good fit.
After a doctor’s appointment to discuss my crazy blood pressure during this time, I tried to do notes, but the system wasn’t working right and I wasn’t able to finish. But I was able to move up my last appointment, which meant that I would be able to just make it to date night at my church. I was so glad because I was so bummed that I had scheduled something and would miss it. We had still planned our date, but I really didn’t want to miss the short teaching. I’m so thankful for my church and how they are intentional about community and relationships.
So we had a date night, and it was good. It was a little weird to go over our check in date night card while we had dinner and feel like there weren’t a lot of times in our life that were really good and fulfilling. But we knew how much we loved each other. We reflected on how weird this process has been for our relationship. It’s been miserably hard; it’s a bad time in our lives. But it doesn’t feel like our marriage is in a bad place. We feel closer. This is our journey, together. And this past month, that’s been terrible. But we definitely have each other.
I’m so thankful for our relationship. At date night we were celebrating our dating anniversary. I don’t know if other people do that, but it has always been special for us. We were probably dating for at least a month or two before it was “official.” I guess that’s what happens when you get together in high school. Things just look different. But ten years ago today, Bryan took me out behind the church we were at in front of a large fountain that was lit up that night and asked me to be his girlfriend. Here we are ten years later. We’ve been through three major job changes together, graduating high school, long distance dating before I graduated college, and so much stress that I couldn’t put into words. And we have stuck it out. He has always been there for me. Our lives are so much stronger together. Especially when it’s hard. Today we have also lost a child. That’s the hardest thing. But today our marriage is still strong. I am so thankful to have him.
At dinner, I was also able to vocalize how I feel a little different right now. Maybe it won’t last; maybe I’ll gain an amazing balance. But I feel more apathy. Maybe apathy is the wrong word. I care a lot less about what other people think about things in my life. I care less about the planning side effects of the things I need to do it my life. I care less about being on the go and can behave more peace sitting where we are at right now. I think it’s all positive. It is a little freeing. It still feels weird to have these feeling, but I’m learning to embrace it. At least where I am at right now. Everything in my life right now is so uncertain. And I typically like to have my entire life planned out, so this has been a difficult place to be filled with uncertainty about everything in my life. So I’m doing everything I can to embrace it. To be okay with my grief and what that looks like. To not know what my emotions look like on any given day. With the possibility that I might just burst out into tears at any given moment. To not know how much I can handle on any day. To know that everything is a lurking trigger and I’ll have to learn to deal with that.
It doesn’t always feel good, but like everything else it’s where I’m at. I hope that this can be a place of growth because I don’t know that I could go through all this and be worse. I have to find something that I can take from this awful experience. Today I hope that looks like being more flexible and being more confident in my own decisions.
Bryan and I are getting a couples massage today. I’m excited for it. I’m excited to do something to feel close with him again. I’m excited to try to feel a little normal in our lives. But I can’t help but be sad. I got a massage for the first time since our honeymoon right before getting pregnant. I had planned that the next massage would be a prenatal massage. But it’s not, so I’m trying to be excited for what it is. I love my husband so much. So today I will celebrate ten years of us.