Halloween was difficult. The night before Halloween was the worst night I’ve had in this whole process. I had gone back to work again, and it was a long and stressful day. I cried a lot and had to call a friend. It’s a good thing she’s amazing and could help me.
I don’t think we talk enough about what it means when things are difficult. That your thoughts scare you. That you can’t stop crying. That it hurts to keep crying. That you feel numb. That you feel like not getting up. That you feel like not moving forward. That you feel alone.
Life is so hard. I know I’m not the only one going through struggles, but it’s hard not to feel isolated in this experience. Sometimes I feel mad that I work in a stressful field. I’m grateful for the support I do have, and the people that I work with that are creative in ways that they can help me.
I feel like my entire life the way it was is a loss. I lost the current ability to be an amazing worker. I lost my ability to be caught up and on top of all my work all the time. I lost the ability to make sure all my kids are seen and well cared for. That makes it even more difficult when I can’t make it effectively though work. I want so badly to have that back.
I have to remind myself a lot that I really am a damn good therapist. It’s true, really. I provide amazing care for my kids and have great clinical opinions. But it took awhile to get to that place. It’s only in the last several months that I have felt more confident about the work I do. So it’s that much more difficult to feel defeated over my emotions and this loss.
I am still figuring out what it means to be a therapist in this place. I am doing my best to remember how this experience will shape me for the future to improve the work I am already doing. I know there will be improvements to my therapy that come out of this one day, but I hate that it comes at such a great expense.
Yesterday was Halloween. Halloween was when I had planned to officially announce our baby. I had planned a photoshoot with my friends. I had the best Pinterest inspired announcement ideas. I had the cutest signs. I had already gotten a little pumpkin for the pictures. We had even already taken some pictures with the cutest onesie we had gotten for the baby. That’s gone. In an instant.
I had also planned to announce it to my work. We were having a costume contest on Halloween (as well as a Chili Cook Off). I was going to wear one of those skeleton shirts with the baby skeleton. I had just planned to wear it that day and wait for people to notice. I had envisioned how excited and surprised everyone would be. Instead I went late to the party. I didn’t dress up. I felt alone and overwhelmed by everyone and everything. I tried to have a good time and forget about my losses. It was still difficult, and I was glad to leave a little early to get to a meeting.
Then there are the kids. All the cute, adorable children in their costumes and trick or treating. I did not really want to pass out candy, but Bryan did. I did not pass out any candy, and some friends came over to hang out with us. It was still a good night overall hanging out with them. But I could not go to the door. It hurt to look out the window and see the kids and their families. It hurt to hear the cute little voices of kids getting candy. It hurt to see the parents all dressed up with their kids. And man, it hurt to see all the facebook posts of every single kid and family in their costumes. I stayed off Facebook most of the day, and scrolled past all the pictures the next day. I hope one day the pain isn’t so thick.
Today I continue to be sad for my loss, but I’m also working really hard to find my new normal (even though I know more really hard days will come). I’m so sad that I can’t be in the same place that I was, but there is no back button. I keep moving forward, even when it’s everything I don’t want.