9/22/2019
I thought I’d keep up with this better, but pregnancy was tiring! Then I wanted to write the birth story first, but that’s been overwhelming to work through. So I’ll start from today.
Ezekiel is here! And he is already three weeks old. Time is so weird with a newborn. It moves slowly, but it’s also a blur. Ezekiel has struggled with nursing and sleeping, so we have been terribly exhausted. In his short life, he has visited the nursery several times for shoulder dystocia, a subdural hematoma, and jaundice risk. We left the hospital for home. We went back to the hospital for extremely high jaundice levels and stayed overnight with phototherapy. He has also had a lip and tongue tie revision. Now at three weeks old with all that extra help, he is gaining weight better – he gained 19 ounces in a week, nursing faster – he was eating almost constantly all day previously, and sleeps a tiny bit better – he was barely sleeping at all before because he was eating so much.
Each day is getting a little smoother. But it’s been really hard!
Today he enjoys the activity mat and still loves being active. He can roll over from tummy to back and gets pretty close to rolling over from his back. He loves to be close to Bryan and I and would rather be held all day. He sleeps in our arms most often. For now, I’ll keep giving him everything he needs and soaking up the cuddles.
When Ezekiel was born, I didn’t have a ton of expectations. I knew it would be hard. But those first two weeks were incredibly difficult. I couldn’t figure out how people did it. Bryan regretted having him a bit. I didn’t regret it, but I couldn’t believe how hard it was.
11/5/2019
Today motherhood is…
- listening to my child scream bloody murder because I put him down to go to the bathroom.
- taking an extra trip in the car so that my child will sleep, only to have him wake up crying and not be close to home.
- singing nursery rhymes for the millionth time with sign language trying to calm him and teach him.
- getting spit up all down my shirt and right next to the burp cloth for the second time.
- using my child’s arm to prop up my plate so that I can eat while he nurses.
- nursing my child through yoga because he’s hungry after eating only about an hour previously.
- knowing that it’s normal to nurse my baby whenever he wants – even if that’s all day long.
- starting my day before 6 am to pump because my baby finally slept a little longer and nursed shorter.
- putting my two month old baby in six month clothes because he is growing so fast!
- not having a head-over-heels love feeling for my baby, but knowing that’s normal and okay because I still care deeply for him and love him.
- talking with some amazing women about how challenging babies are, and how that is normal and okay!
- staring into his eyes and knowing that I’ll do anything to help him.
- cuddling him while he sleeps in my arms because he won’t keep sleeping if I put him down.
- being grateful for my village of support.
- being thankful that I know how to continue self-care and how much my calm will support his wellbeing.
- knowing I’m doing an amazing job.