I had never really understood how ingrained families are in our world. Of course. We are centered as a population on forming families, reproducing, repopulating. So the triggers of a family that I don’t have are everywhere. I thought at first that pregnant women and babies were the most difficult to see. That was true. But I did not realize how far the triggers extended. Every family moment and any kids were difficult. I had lost everything. My baby would not grow up to be that age – whatever age that was. We would not have those sweet family moments. I was hit by even the mentions of raising families. People would talk about what it was like to raise a family today or the difficulties or brining a child into the world. Everything hit me.
A few days after finding out about the loss I went to see a client in her home. This client had just had a baby. Her baby was less than two weeks old. My supervisor told me that I did not get a medal for pushing through to see her and that I could wait. I almost canceled several times, but I went anyway. Of course she was happy, but that was hard too.
One week before finding out about the loss my sister in law had a baby. I went to see the baby, but Bryan was not able to go with me. I was so excited to see her. Everything about the experience was different and exciting. I was in the same place where I would be delivering in eight months. I looked around the room trying to remember what everything was like so I would be ready. I held the newborn baby. I was so excited. “This will be you in a few months.”
I could not wait.
Then we went to our appointment and found out that it would not be me in a couple months. I hated that. I was so ready. I would be such a good mom. Wouldn’t I? Was I not suppose to be a mom? Maybe I would be a bad mom and that’s why this happened? I knew that the stories I was telling myself were not true, but I could not help but hear those stories.
Bryan and I could not bring ourselves to go see his niece after that. I knew Bryan still needed to meet her, so it made it more difficult. I asked him every weekend if he wanted to see her. It wasn’t until the Sunday before the d&c that we saw her at another event. We held her. I did not cry, but it was hard. It was hard to see Bryan holding her and know that we would not get to hold our baby. It was hard to know that at that point I was still pregnant but there was no baby growing inside, so there was no happiness there.
So today every family is difficult. The ones in the store. The newborn at church. The parents that talk about their kids. The people I work with. I hate that. I have people in my life who I love that I find it difficult to be around right now. I am so happy for them, but it is hard. I am trying to be patient with myself. I am trying to remember that I won’t feel this way forever. Today this is where I am at. I have no choice but to be okay with where I am at for today.
To those people: Please know that I care about you. Know that I am happy for your family. Know that I want to be there for you. Know that I will be able to be supportive in the future. But today is not that day. Today it is hard to be around your family, even though I care about you.