It’s dark but the nightlight is on. It’s quiet but the white noise machine runs loudly. Here – in the quiet – I lie awake. I watch my son sleeping soundly next to me. He’s peaceful. Other times he wiggles and kicks. I’m awake because he slept for nearly five hours straight. He is normally awake every couple hours, which often translates to me being up about every hour all night long. Exhausted I drag myself out of bed again and without complaining. My son needs me. What else would I do? I often leave him in bed. We both get more sleep. As he wakes, I’m able to feed him even before he cries.
His extra few hours with grandma and grandpa today must have worn him out. I’m thankful for ever changing days. Every time I’m feeling worn out things change. Each night is different. I’ll complain about being up all night and then on a rare night like tonight, he will sleep, and I’ll wake up surprised and extremely well rested for 4am.
Being Ezekiel’s mother has come with all kinds of challenges. It has also brought a lot of reflection. I’m most grateful for being in such a health place mentally when he was born. This allowed me to make it through the newborn blur when I thought I was going crazy in a sleep deprived haze. This gave me the opportunity to know when I needed help from my support system. This allowed me to make space for myself to go out alone, practice mindfulness, do a little yoga, or just watch a television show by myself. This helped me find time to spend with Bryan. He always gets to be my most important guy, and I know our relationship takes a lot more effort right now. So I have to prioritize it when it feels like he takes a back seat to the extensive needs of our son.
Within those worn down days, there is some light too. Ezekiel learns to laugh and giggles loudly. He smiles when he sees me. He gets excited to finally grow enough to reach all his toys on the bouncer or be able to roll over to grab his toys. I watch Bryan play with Ezekiel, and it warms my heart.
But it’s more than that. It’s giving myself permission to be happy that I’m back at work. It’s being glad to still have all my skills and tools to be able to work with clients in some of the most difficult times in their lives. It’s providing some validation to the foster parent who has had such a long day raising the child that is not their own. It’s rejoicing with the parent that finally had their children returned home. And even though the work is hard, I really am glad to be back. And knowing that’s okay is most important. Ezekiel enjoys spending time with others, and he gets a chance to become more independent. I like that he can watch his mom work and learn how women save the world. He can value woman and know their worth from a very young age. It’s also learning how to use all my self-care in this new way in my new role as his mom because I’m still my own person too. I can be happy. I can live out peace in the midst of chaos.
And that chaos is hard! It’s coming home at 6pm because leaving at 5pm means that I have to pick up Ezekiel, spend time getting him ready to leave, and prep for the next day (and of course the reverse for the mornings). It’s feeling like I can’t get any work done because I’m breaking to pump so frequently (thank goodness I’m so efficient at my job and no wonder most people give up pumping). It’s having to run home in the middle of the day to change because I was pumping in the car and didn’t notice that the bottle was overflowing. It’s driving to feed Ezekiel on breaks when I thought my pump wasn’t working only to realize that night while replacing parts that it was just user error. It’s spending way too much time washing everything and measuring out milk to prep for the next day or freeze. Not to mention trying to do my job and take care of my son!
I watch people drowning and how they dismiss that life is just like that. Maybe. But it makes me sad for them. I listen to them identify that their hobby is being a mom. Certainly it can be all consuming. But I’m choosing to live purposefully beyond that. I believe that valuing and prioritizing myself enriches Ezekiel’s life too. I will maintain that I need my own hobbies and time for my own growth and care. I will ensure that my relationship is strong. It’s easy to put it at the bottom of the list, but Bryan is my support, my love, my partner. He was here before our life with kids. And he will be here after Ezekiel moves out. So prioritizing it means that Ezekiel sees the love we have for each other to create the family and space for him to be loved. It gives him a safe and stable home where he can thrive.
So contrary to what I often hear, I don’t put my child first. Don’t get me wrong: I certainly care for all his needs and desires. But I come first. Not only is that important for me as a person, but it gives me what I need to care for him too. My husband comes next because loving him gives Ezekiel a happier life. And of course I love my son and consider him with everything I do. But I don’t feel guilty to prioritize myself and my relationship.
Well I’m not sure my rambling at 5am had the same intent it originally did when it started. This season of life is hard. And even though he finally slept for nearly five hours, he was then up three times in the next hour and a half. These days will end. And my four month old will keep growing. And he will live happily with his mom who makes time for herself and her family.
Tonight I lie in the peace of it all being thankful for joy while remembering these times for the next difficult time (which will probably come in a few short hours) knowing that each day is a different chance for growth and change.
