This morning I attended a sunrise yoga at Soulside for the winter solstice. I ventured out before the sun came up. The winter solstice marks the day with the most darkness and the preparation of more light to come. Last year, I went to The Longest Night service at my church. This service highlighted and honored the grief and sorrow that often come with the holidays but is overlooked. It gives a place to feel the darkness. This year, it was a perfect opposite to attend sunrise yoga. Both things happen on the same day. I was able to recenter in how the day brings light and dark. In the yoga class, we were instructed to surrender to the darkness and prepare for the coming of more lightness.
The past few years have really been a balancing act between light and darkness; good and bad; positives and negatives. And it does not stop. Parenting Ezekiel has been really hard. But I am reminded of how it all works together; of how the yin and the yang of the world works. It has been a rough nearly four months that has made it hard to enjoy, but we are also finally getting to some light with his personality starting to shine through.
A few years ago, I really committed to mindfulness in mind, body, and spirit. Yoga was a big part in that. I committed to making sure that I continue to do things for myself even after Ezekiel was born. I don’t think I would have been as good with that if it was not for everything the past few years have thrown at me. Regardless, I have learned that I am more important, and it has really allowed me to keep my identity as it shifts and changes with the addition of the title “Mom.” It also helps me remember to take care of myself, so that I can take care of my marriage and Ezekiel a little better. I think Ezekiel deserves a mom who is happy and accepting of her life, and I am glad that I am at a place in my life where I can be that for myself.
It has been so challenging being back at work. I really enjoy being back though! I was very ready to get back to my job and my routine. However, balancing everything when I get home is ROUGH! I get home with my millions of bags and Ezekiel that all take a couple trips to get into the house. Then, I have to get all the bottles and pump parts together to get washed for the next day. Then, I need to get food ready for dinner and eat. During that time, I also need to feed Ezekiel and take care of him. Bryan is definitely helpful during these times but it is a lot. Since it takes longer to get home since I am picking him up, by this time there is maybe a little bit of time to play with Ezekiel before I read him a book and put him to bed. Then I get ready for bed, so that I am ready to be up with him several times at night and am able to get up in the morning and do it all over again. I have good days and bad days with this as it all gets piled on. Then, I have to balance work and pumping for what feels like all day long. It has made it hard to enjoy the upcoming holidays because it feels more like I just need to survive them.
Ezekiel has been having a good time during the day with my stepdad. He has been learning new things and has so much more personality than he had a month again. He has finally found his hands. He is grasping toys a little better and can pick up things. He really enjoys balls and rattles. He loves activity mats and playing with everything. He has learned how to do the things he wants like kicking his feet to make his bouncer move so that he can watch the toys spin above him even if he cannot reach them. He has been super talkative and likes to babble loudly. He really likes to read books and actually looks at the pages now. He has learned how to kick his feet so that he scoots along the floor. His smiles are definitely fun to see.
Yoga today was a great reminder of the good and the bad in life that all together makes it what it is. I can embrace all the difficulties and all the joys of being a mother, working, finding balance, and caring for a baby. In all of that I can find peace as I prepare for the light to come. May the light in me honor the light in you. Namaste.
