New Year’s Eve
I woke up early. The test was positive. I took two more. There was definitely some kind of line there. I couldn’t believe we were going to be finally doing all this again. I was not sure I was ready for the anxiety and pain that would come, but I also felt a little excited. Everything was so different this time. I tried to focus on that. I had fixed several health issues and completely changed my whole lifestyle. Surely all those changes would be beneficial. Surely I deserved to have a baby. I hope…
The next few days and weeks were full of labs for blood draws. The anxiety was high, but very different than before. I did not have the same kind of crippling anxiety that came with the first two pregnancies. Instead I had more calm moments; more times where I could focus on some excitement despite the fear; and some kind of peace at times that this would be my last pregnancy no matter the outcome. So I waited. I started on progesterone supplements from the doctor’s office that I was newly monitored by. They checked my thyroid right away too. This experience was different. I waited in agony most days for test results. My hcg levels rose: 20, 69, 215, 2271. The last one was higher than it had gotten by nearly the end of the first pregnancy. I had some more hope that things were different this time. I waited more. I cried. I started having all the same symptoms I had before like clockwork. I struggled with doctors and the new office I was dealing with. I struggled with insurance complications. But finally we got to an appointment at 6 weeks.
January 17, 2019
We had been told that they could not do an ultrasound at the first appointment, but that we would be able to schedule one at the appointment, maybe even for the next day. I had hoped to do it early next week at 6.5 weeks like the first ultrasound for all the other pregnancies. I had my schedule on hold for the next week, and I had basically been pausing anything I did not have to schedule with the anticipation that I might have to be out awhile again. For the last two days, I had also started feeling sick to my stomach and generally unwell. Part of me hoped it could be some kind of morning sickness. The other part was terrified that something was horribly wrong. The worst part was not knowing what was happening inside my body. Was all this going to be worth it? Or does my body just hate being pregnant so much that the next month would be miserable? One thing was certain: these feelings were a new symptom. I knew that if development was appropriate that this was further than I had been in my previous pregnancies. But I had no idea if we had already lost the baby like the other times.
The appointment was standard and everyone was very nice. To our surprise the midwife told me that she would get me in for a sonogram today because she knew I was nervous. I was shocked. As we sat in the waiting room for the next 30 minutes waiting and canceling my evening appointments, I was pretty nervous. It was too early. The heart is probably not beating yet. We would not be able to see much. I kept telling myself that even appropriate development would be an improvement. I could not wait to find out what was going on.
The sonogram technician was really nice. I explained to her that I had two miscarriages that I found out about at the ultrasounds. “Say no more,” and she rushed out to let me change and do the sonogram as quickly as possible. She assured us that she would let us know as soon as she knew what was going on.
I looked at the screen. It was hard to see from my angle. I could not see anything. I feared the worst. It was the same as before.
“Thank goodness for good technology people!”
What did that mean? Was that a good thing?
“Okay now hold your breath.”
The line measuring a heartbeat started coming across the screen. I lost it and immediately started crying and could not hold my breath anymore.
“And we have a heartbeat!”
I cried and cried. Bryan cried. She showed us where the heart was beating. There it was flickering away. It was a bit slow. She said it had probably just started beating.
She told us that the baby was so teeny tiny that she could not get a measurement. We talked about my ovulation date. I asked what the gestational sac was measuring at. She said 5 weeks. I knew that was a problem. I had no idea what to think. Then she got another angle and took another measurement of the baby: 5 weeks 6 days. That was perfect. I cried more. The baby was on track. The baby was alive. The baby’s heart was beating.
So today we have a healthy baby growing. It is very early. We have no idea what will happen. But for today I know that I will love this baby every single day.