Four Months Old

Ezekiel is four months old! He is becoming more and more of a real person. This month has brought lots of changes, but he is also learning so much. Ezekiel started the month out learning to be apart from mom and dad everyday. 

I went back to work! I have enjoyed being back. Managing pumping is tough, but I’m glad to be working again. The hardest part is how little time there is in the evenings. By the time I pick up Ezekiel and get home, it is often 6pm. Then I have to get all the pump parts and bottles ready to be washed and get his milk ready for the next day. I made dinner, eat, and feed Ezekiel a couple times. Then there is maybe 30 minutes to play with Ezekiel before he falls asleep early or I try to get him ready for bed with a book and nursing around 8pm. After he is asleep, I get ready for bed because it’s tiring being up with him several times a night. Then my alarm goes off at 6am to do it all over again since it’s tough juggling getting myself ready, Ezekiel ready, and getting out the door early enough to get him dropped off and get to work. Balancing everything has resulted in a few tearful nights of being overwhelmed and some great support from my rockstar husband who helps in anyway he can. The thing that has been most helpful is remembering that everyday is different. Ezekiel wakes up talking loudly at 4am because he wants to be awake – it’s not a sign of things to come; it’s just a hard night. He might awake up a million times one night and then sleep 3-4 hour chunks the next night. We all are taking it day by day. 

Ezekiel has spent the month with grandpa (my stepdad). He has been learning the routine well. He enjoys the activity mat and playing on the floor. He had a couple special days with grandma too. 

Ezekiel has grown so much and learned a lot of new things. He is talking a ton now (and very loudly)! He smiles more and his laughs are the best. He grabs and holds toys, especially balls. He concentrates hard to reach out and grab things in front of him. He can pick things up with one hand and transfer it to the other. He learned how to kick his feet in his bouncer in order to make his toys move when he couldn’t quite reach them at first. He is much more interested in his books now and stares intently at the pages. And a few days ago he learned to roll from his back to his belly. In the past few days he has been perfecting his new skill and has been rolling back and forth. 

Ezekiel had fun meeting family at Christmas. He got to meet Santa, spent time with family, and was gifted some fun toys. 

The month ahead include Communication Junction Sign and Play sign language classes. We are all looking forward to Ezekiel being able to tell us what he needs before he can talk. 

Today is also the one year anniversary of when I found out I was pregnant with him. It was a whirlwind of a day. I was so nervous, but it all felt so different. I was at a different ob/gyn practice, so this time I did not know what to expect. With the holiday, things were more complicated. I had originally called the office when they opened, but they still had their phones off, so I figured they were closed. I ended up calling back a few times, and they ended up being open for half the day. The nurse called me back and was able to put in an order to test my pregnancy hormone levels. I was able to get that done, but wouldn’t find out the results until after the new year where I would then repeat the tests several more times (and then every two weeks throughout the pregnancy) and start progesterone. It was a long several weeks before we ended up hearing Ezekiel’s heart beat. 

It is weird to think back on that time a year ago. My whole life for a few years was about getting pregnant. It was the cause of many stressful and tearful nights. It resulted in so much stress between Bryan and me. And now that Ezekiel is here, I never want to go back to that season of life. Instead I honor that time and remember my angel babies. Ezekiel, it was an insane ride to get to your birth, and you are so incredibly wanted, wished for, hoped for, and loved. Happy four months!

Winter Solstice

This morning I attended a sunrise yoga at Soulside for the winter solstice. I ventured out before the sun came up. The winter solstice marks the day with the most darkness and the preparation of more light to come. Last year, I went to The Longest Night service at my church. This service highlighted and honored the grief and sorrow that often come with the holidays but is overlooked. It gives a place to feel the darkness. This year, it was a perfect opposite to attend sunrise yoga. Both things happen on the same day. I was able to recenter in how the day brings light and dark. In the yoga class, we were instructed to surrender to the darkness and prepare for the coming of more lightness.

The past few years have really been a balancing act between light and darkness; good and bad; positives and negatives. And it does not stop. Parenting Ezekiel has been really hard. But I am reminded of how it all works together; of how the yin and the yang of the world works. It has been a rough nearly four months that has made it hard to enjoy, but we are also finally getting to some light with his personality starting to shine through.

A few years ago, I really committed to mindfulness in mind, body, and spirit. Yoga was a big part in that. I committed to making sure that I continue to do things for myself even after Ezekiel was born. I don’t think I would have been as good with that if it was not for everything the past few years have thrown at me. Regardless, I have learned that I am more important, and it has really allowed me to keep my identity as it shifts and changes with the addition of the title “Mom.” It also helps me remember to take care of myself, so that I can take care of my marriage and Ezekiel a little better. I think Ezekiel deserves a mom who is happy and accepting of her life, and I am glad that I am at a place in my life where I can be that for myself.

It has been so challenging being back at work. I really enjoy being back though! I was very ready to get back to my job and my routine. However, balancing everything when I get home is ROUGH! I get home with my millions of bags and Ezekiel that all take a couple trips to get into the house. Then, I have to get all the bottles and pump parts together to get washed for the next day. Then, I need to get food ready for dinner and eat. During that time, I also need to feed Ezekiel and take care of him. Bryan is definitely helpful during these times but it is a lot. Since it takes longer to get home since I am picking him up, by this time there is maybe a little bit of time to play with Ezekiel before I read him a book and put him to bed. Then I get ready for bed, so that I am ready to be up with him several times at night and am able to get up in the morning and do it all over again. I have good days and bad days with this as it all gets piled on. Then, I have to balance work and pumping for what feels like all day long. It has made it hard to enjoy the upcoming holidays because it feels more like I just need to survive them.

Ezekiel has been having a good time during the day with my stepdad. He has been learning new things and has so much more personality than he had a month again. He has finally found his hands. He is grasping toys a little better and can pick up things. He really enjoys balls and rattles. He loves activity mats and playing with everything. He has learned how to do the things he wants like kicking his feet to make his bouncer move so that he can watch the toys spin above him even if he cannot reach them. He has been super talkative and likes to babble loudly. He really likes to read books and actually looks at the pages now. He has learned how to kick his feet so that he scoots along the floor. His smiles are definitely fun to see.

Yoga today was a great reminder of the good and the bad in life that all together makes it what it is. I can embrace all the difficulties and all the joys of being a mother, working, finding balance, and caring for a baby. In all of that I can find peace as I prepare for the light to come. May the light in me honor the light in you. Namaste.