If you had told me a year ago that I would be happy now, I would have probably believed it. After all, I have a baby that I can hold. But if you had told me a year ago that I would have been at peace, calm, less anxious, not overprotective and critical of others trying to care for my child, I would have never believed you.
Today Ezekiel is three months old. It took so much work to get here. I hoped for a baby for years. I tried for a couple too. I was met instead with angel babies that I couldn’t bring home with me. I looked into every health reason. I drove myself crazy trying to figure everything out. And then, I carried a pregnancy to term relatively uneventfully. I had a phenomenal birth team and despite some scares, I left the hospital with a healthy baby boy and my own health intact.
After we got home, it was hard! So hard! Harder than I could have ever imagined. I have no idea how people do it with newborns. I was nursing constantly. I slept very little because it felt like he never slept! I am incredibly thankful for all the support I have. Now at three months, we have gotten into a pretty good routine (note: routine and NOT schedule). I have times of worry and self doubt. But largely I focus on how there is too much mom guilt in the world, and I’m not going to waste my life and his worrying about things that will happen naturally. Sleep will come when he’s ready. Sleep training would just stress us both out. A schedule will come when he’s ready. I have no idea how I could force a schedule on him. “Sorry little man. I know you want to eat, but it’s only been an hour and fifteen minutes (read- this all day long), but it’s actually time to take a nap.” So what if he nurses to fall asleep? I don’t think he is learning any bad habits by needing help to fall asleep. He often wakes up four times a night, so we do whatever we have to so that we all get enough sleep. I just focus on his needs and pay attention to them, and we are both happier.
I love watching all of his development. I pay close attention and work with him as he learns his world. I have really enjoyed getting out of the house with him. We go to yoga, mom’s group, and sign and sing story time regularly. It’s been really fun, and I’m excited to do more with him. I truly believe that I am able to enjoy him more because of what I have learned over the years mentally, emotionally, and physically. His favorite artist is Modest Mouse.
He loves to roll over, read, and socialize. His motto is, “Sleep is for the weak.” He attempts to live out this regularly.
Monday I’ll return to work, and I’m thankful for the amount of time of took off because I’m ready to go back. I know Ezekiel will have a fun time at Grandpa’s until he starts daycare at six months. He will enjoy all the play time with other kids once he does. It will surely be an adjustment, but I’m grateful for a job that I enjoy and am excited to return.
Being a mom to an active three month old with a strong personality is really hard work. He still requires all of my attention. I know that he will be well cared for while I am at work, and I look forward to seeing him smile when I pick him up like he does when Bryan gets home from work. I know I will be a better mom to him by going back to work.
In the coming months we have lots planned together. He is signed up for “What is your baby thinking?” which is a sign language class with Communication Junction called a sign and play class. We will start the classes in January, which will be a great transition since there are not many Sign and Sing story time classes on the weekends. I’m looking forward to continuing the classes with him, and am eager for him to learn to sign and communication with us early. He can start swim lessons at six months, and he already enjoys being in the water. I am also looking forward to starting a yoga class on my own. It’s important to me that Bryan and I continue our own lives and incorporate him into our lives so that we are all happier as a family.
Motherhood has not all been joy and I struggled with how I was bonding with him, but I’m so glad to have him here and watch him grow. Happy three months Ezekiel! You are so loved!
