My world has stopped. This is my second pregnancy loss in less than six months. I am at such a loss. Today the loss was confirmed after the most miserable week of waiting. I’ve lost another child. I don’t know how to doing this all again. At this point, it’s more waiting. To officially miscarry or have another surgery. I am miserable.
Month: February 2018
Starting Again
I haven’t written in awhile. Let me tell you: this process really does not get easier. It has been miserably difficult. I have been grieving. I have been desperate. I have been lost. Bryan and I have fought. We have cried. We have struggled. I have also been trying to take time for myself in every way I can. At the beginning of the year, I started a 30 day yoga challenge. I am proud to say that I have not only completed the 30 days, but I have been continuing to do yoga every day since that as well. It is difficult to fit in sometimes, but I know that I have to make myself a priority. I have also been doing mediation through the Calm app everyday. I am taking time to invest in myself. I bought a very pretty print for Andrew. It says “I carried you every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mine.” It has the date and his name at the bottom. I like having it, but I have not yet gotten it printed and framed. I am excited to do that.
It also hard to try again; although, we have been. It has created a lot of desperation and difficulties. It makes every day a struggle of wishing I was back in that place, but also knowing that getting pregnant again does not bring my baby back.
Well if you are reading today…surprise! I am pregnant!
It is a very scary place to be. It was not very exciting to find out even though I have been desperately trying for months again. Bryan and I are both just kind of holding our breaths waiting for something to go wrong. I did not think the pregnancy would last at first. But now it has been two weeks since I found out. I found out on my birthday. (Bryan told me he gave me the gift of life!) I have had two blood draws. Both came back good. It is hard to let that be enough. I know that blood draws would have probably not told us anything sooner with the first pregnancy. I have two more weeks until my appointment, and I am trying not to get excited. Trying not to get attached. Trying not to be hopeful. I don’t know what will happen. I know I cannot change the outcome. But it is hard to get attached knowing what can go wrong. There are a lot of thoughts I have about this, but for now, if you are reading this and wondering how you can help: remember I am here and like support. Community is still very important to me, so we have not kept this pregnancy a secret.
As difficult as it is for me to say because I know there will always be an “if,” this baby is still important now. I have been doing a lot better than I was last time. I have been struggling with sleep, but my mindset is better, so I have been able to cope. I don’t have a ton of symptoms. It’s funny how in early pregnancy you wish for symptoms to know that it is real, but symptoms don’t indicate health.
As for the future, I don’t have any idea what it holds, but for now, I have two babies. Today, I will hope for this baby to continue growing. Today, I will remain scared that this baby won’t make it. But I really hope it does.