I am thankful for…
That’s what Thanksgiving is all about, but this Thanksgiving, it was hard to answer that question. Of course I have a lot to be thankful for. I have an amazing husband, supportive family and friends, stable finances, and a job I love. There is a lot of good in my life. But this thanksgiving, it is not the first thing on my mind. I am torn apart by the loss I have experienced. This was suppose to be the Thanksgiving where I had a lot extra to be thankful for. I would have had the growing child inside me to be thankful for. What an excitement! What a joy!
Today, I don’t have that. Today, I struggle to be excited about anything.
Are you excited for the holidays?
No.
It is difficult for me to admit that to myself, but I am not. The holidays are so centered around family, so it is a blaring reminder of the family I have lost. It is a struggle to be around others with so much more joy and excitement about their families, their babies, their pregnancies. They should be excited! But it still hurts me.
I had prepared myself a lot for Thanksgiving. I knew it would be difficult. It knew there would be a lot of family, a lot of babies, and a lot of pregnancies. Each experience really was difficult in its own way. Some days are easier than others. Some moments are harder than others. One day with my nephew didn’t hurt as much as another. One day holding my niece hurt less than others. I do what I can to try each day knowing that it is okay if it hurts too much.
The worst question of Thanksgiving was “How are you doing?” It was always said in a knowing tone, but it never mentioned my child or my loss. I guess that is a way to enter the conversation and allow me to bring it up if I wanted. Most of the time I did not bring it up. Most of the time I answered in a somewhat positive way. It is a difficult question for me to answer.
But know that it is also okay to mention my child. I miss him. You are not reminding me of my loss; you are acknowledging my child. I like that. I cannot forget him (nor do I want to). It is nice when you do not forget him either.
So many things have happened since my last entry, but it is difficult at times to sit down to write, even if I want to. I have been leaning into my grief a lot, and overall I have been doing better. I also am choosing to be very open, so if you aren’t interested in hearing all the details of my story, it might be time for you to stop reading.
Counseling has been helpful. I found a counselor who has not only struggled with her own miscarriage, but she has also run a miscarriage and infant loss support group. There is nothing like the support of people who really get it. It does not mean that others cannot be helpful, but it does really help me – especially when I already “know” how to help myself. I had to remind myself that it’s okay that someone else can walk this journey with me in that way. Counselors are not meant to be experts in our lives, but they are there to walk the journey along side us. It’s what I tell my clients too. It really does help when someone can walk with us. I have started daily mindfulness among other helpful tools to help myself. I have also been extremely validated by my experience, even when it means hearing that I don’t have to try so hard.
I also had my first period after the d&c. There is no easy way for that to come. I had a lot of cramps and pains, and I had to remind myself a lot that these pains were normal. It felt like torture to experience these pains again. What a constant and real reminder that I am no longer pregnant. Again. As difficult as it was, I also know that it’s a necessary step to get through if I want to be pregnant again. But the fears are also very real. What does it mean to be pregnant again? Will it take a long time again before I can get pregnant? Can I get pregnant again? Do I have to go back to the stress of trying? Are there other ways? What are my options? What does pregnancy mean for me? Those hormones were definitely miserable; could I really put myself through that again? Am I crazy to want to try again?
So here I am. Choosing to try again. Feeling crazy as anything. But I have most definitely weighed all my options. It was a long and miserable battle to get to this decision, but I am here. I hope to be pregnant again soon, but I don’t plan to be pregnant again soon. That is a subtle difference that I am trying to get use to in order to prepare myself. There are a lot of pieces to that that I won’t explain today.
Today I prepare a place on my brand new stocking mantle for my child that was never born. That hurts. It won’t stop hurting. But I hope to prepare another place in my heart soon for another child.