It is a unique burden to name a child that we never got to hold. It does not feel happy. It does not feel right. It does not feel special.
When we finally decided on a name, we picked it quickly. It felt weird to say aloud. I did not want to tell anyone what name we picked. It felt so weird.
I thought about it a lot. When a family picks a name – when we envisioned how we would pick a name – they talk about names for hours over several months. We would look through hundreds of names and pick out our favorites. We would spend time filtering out the ones we liked best. We would finally pick a name. We would practice saying it. We would see how trusted friends and family felt about the name. We would make sure that we liked it and that it felt right.
When we picked this name, it was quick. It did not feel right because we picked it in a day. We did not get to do all those exciting things we had envisioned doing.
Bryan had originally called the baby Philip. He did that on his own the day we brought home the sonogram picture. He told me, “I call him Philip.” It was weird. Neither of us really liked the name. For a few days the name stuck. We did not even get to pick it out together. It felt so weird. I was afraid to tell people the name. A few days later my mom asked me if we would remember the baby as “Baby Heinz” or as “Philip.” I told her I did not know. It felt like so much to think about. It felt so overwhelming. I asked Bryan what he thought. “Did we ever decide on a name?”
So we decided to go ahead and pick a name together. We did not go back and forth with names. It felt like settling and just deciding. I told Bryan a name I liked. He agreed. We decided to incorporate Philip into the name even though neither of us were a big fan of the name because it was the first name for the baby.
It still feels weird today. Names are so important. I hope one day it does not feel weird to say his name aloud. I hope one day I can say it without crying. I hope one day using his name will feel like honoring him. I want his memory to stay alive but – like everything else right now – today that feels hard.
We named our baby. We did not get to welcome him to the world. We had to say goodbye before we said hello.
We love you, Andrew Philip Heinz.